Free Wizard Rock Album!!!

And it's for a good cause.

http://www.stopbigmedia.com/potterwatch/

Merry Christmas, Readers of my Blog.

With all our latest advances in technoloy, why on Earth hasn't anyone invented email retrieval? Why must things be convienently sent with a push of a button? Like, you sort of have letter retrieval. If you didn't mean to send a letter, you can always try to stick your head in the mailbox and reach for it. Or be like Homer Simpson and shove a hose down the mailbox, though I think that may be against the law. Actually, it's really hard to accidentally mail a letter because you have to seal the envelope and buy a stamp and walk to the mailbox.

But email?! It's easy to absent-mindedly hit "Send," when you meant "Delete." Too easy. Like you realized your boss made a mistake on your schedule, so you sent her an email reminding her, but you thought it sounded too snotty, so you decided to not send the email and call her, but you accidentally hit "Send," so you sent her another email apologizing, so to prevent yourself from sounding like a total asshole, you offered to find a sub yourself for every stinking shift she scheduled you on that you told her previously you can't work. Damn it. I mean, that's just hypothetically speaking. Not saying that actually happened. Yeah, moving on...

I mean, mySpace has the option where you can delete messages you sent...

So my latest music obsession?

It's called Wizard Rock. It all started with Harry and the Potters, but now it's grown into this massive, insanely awesome new genre. My personal fave is Dobby and the House Elves, but Draco and the Malfoys and The Parselmouths are pretty damn cool, too. You see, I love indie rock and I love Harry Potter. It's the perfect combination.

So, thank you everyone that has made Wizard Rock possible. And thank you for making a whole bunch of your songs free on mySpace. That rules even more.

Also, if you want to hear the best remixes I've heard in a long time, check out the Illuminoids. They mash up a bunch of different songs to create something really unique. The best is "Boy Bomb," a mix of M.I.A.'s "Boys" and Beck's "Timebomb."

Kris the Action Star

I apologize for not writing anything. College students everywhere know the pain and frustration of mid-to-end semester work load.

And what better time to blog when a paper's due? Exactly.

For some most amazing cinema, check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uregN5qWsWU

Alright, back to work.

THE OFFICAL NAMING OF THE KRIS FOSSETT SYNDROME

This is a slight, minor pyschological disorder where the afflicted person purchases odd things, especially rock magazines that feature mostly emo bands, with no recollection of doing so later. Sometimes the afflicted person may deal with threatening letters from a magazine's collection agency or the puzzlement of owning a magazine with Fallout Boy on the cover.

I Would Be the Worst Vampire in the History of the Universe

Think life would be easier if you joined the undead? No way.

Here's why.

1. I don't have any canines. When I was 12, my orthodonist recommended the removal of these teeth. The reasons were that my canines were babies, and I had no adult teeth underneath. So, I don't think the teeth next to the canines turn into fangs. And no fangs would suck.

2. I hate the dark. I start getting paranoid and seeing weird shit. I may be able to see at night, but I don't think that would make the dark any less creepy. I guess the good thing about being a vampire would be that I would never have to lifeguard at DSC, ever. But, then I couldn't pass out on a hammock on a deserted tropical island.

3. Stealthy is not my middle name.

4. Neither is witty. What if I have to exchange banter with a wise ass slayer? I'd be so flustered from saying, "Yeah? Your face, slayer," that I would get staked in a heartbeat.

5. When people taught children how to speak in an "indoor voice," I wasn't there. But I did seem to attend the LOUD BOOMING THEATER voice class several times.

6. The sight of blood makes me woozy.

7. I would get bored.

Yeah, the life of a vampire is not for me. Now, the life of a ninja pirate zombie hunting rock star who can fence their name in people's shirts...

ADDENDUM TO MY VOWS TO BE A BETTER PERSON
I will get some sleep before deadline because I will have the stupid thing done before the morning it's due.
Especially when things are due two, three days in a row because that just sucks.

MySpace, YourSpace, TheirSpace

My friend and I discussed the "Truth About MySpace!!!" on Friday. And I've been trying to wrap my head around the enormity of the whole thing.

MySpace was not created by some guy named Tom, but really by a bunch of advertisers hoping to get a better hold on a demographic. Just think about how much freaking information mySpace has about you. Now think of the rest of the world. That's a lot of freaking people. That's a lot of tastes, preferences, hopes, fears, pictures. Who processes all that info? And better yet, what the heck do they do with all that?

At first, I was really scared, thinking that we're turning all George Orwell.

But then, come to think of it, I blog. My articles are posted online. I have a Facebook account. I work on mySpace. There's already a lot of Kris Fossett on the Internet.

And besides, with my mySpace account, I am this much closer to having a company produce a fencing weapon that sings Iron Maiden, shoot flames, turns into a chainsaw when detecting the presence of the undead, and can transform into a shovel when the owner wants to build a giant sandcastle. And it can also shoot pizzas from the pommel. And turn into a bike when you tap the bell guard.

I've tried to invent one, but all my attempts have been foiled. HAAAA!!! So, then I asked myself, "What's the point?" BA HA HA HA HAAA!!!!

Oh god. I am staring at my computer screen. And it's 10:45 p.m. I have a little over 12 hours to get something done.

I know Douglas Adams said, "Don't panic." But I'm finding that advice harder and harder to take.

He also said, "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." But, that is not the way to go. That is not going to happen.

Oh no. Just, oh no.

BOOKS READ IN PAST MONTH THAT I CAN REMEMBER: The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger (6th time); Heavy Metal and You, Christopher Krovatin (5th time); It, Stephen King (11th time); Run to the Hills, Mick Wall (2nd time); Vampire Game Vol. 1 and 3, Judah, Demon Diary Vol. 1 and 2, Kara and Lee Hun Hee

Man, all this time spent re-reading. Sigh. At this rate, I'll never reach my goal of reading every book ever written.

Sigh. The Iron Maiden mySpace group has posted the setlist for their 2008 tour.

Jeez, people! Honestly, what is the fun of knowing the set before you walk into the show? Isn't it much better thinking, "Oh no, they didn't play 'Fear of the Dark' or 'The Number of the Beast'?" And what if they decide to blow everyone away and play "Back in the Village" for once in their lives *cough, cough* *hint, hint, Iron Maiden*? Wouldn't you much rather go completely apeshit because from the surprise?

Man, people are no fun. Iron Maiden is no fun. They shouldn't be leaking their setlist.

Oh god! Did I just call Iron Maiden no fun? Oh no! I didn't mean that! Honestly, I didn't! Oh no! I take it back! I take it back!

Great, now Bruce Dickinson is going to challenge me to a duel and I'm going to die because I can't remember anything about fencing. Awesome. I guess, if I was going to die via foil poke, Bruce Dickinson is the guy to do it.

So watching the Transfomers movie (1986 cartoon, not the new Michael Bay one). And the movie starts with Unicron destroying an entire planet.

Just try to wrap your head around that one. An entire planet. We're not talking about a city or a country or anything. We're talking everyone on the face of that planet.

That's a butt-ton of destruction, people. If someone wants to blow up your planet, you're fucked.

Questioning your place in the world? Unsure of where to go next?

Then, try fencing. I don't know what it is about holding a weapon and wearing a mask and poking people that gives me such a sense of purpose. But what matters is that I have it. Am I going to be a professional fencer? No. Does fencing have really anything to do with rock journalism? No. Are there professional fencers? I have no idea.

But I do want to be focused and I want to concentrate on school, writing, and fencing training because when I went to the FAP, I realized I have forgotten everything I learned. Including the fencing club's location, the difference between a left handed weapon and a right handed one, how to get dressed (all I needed was a freaking mask! Jeez, Fossett!), and how to do more than one thing at once (tap the other person's foible, extend, close the distance.)

Okay, blog readers. It's on the Internet, so that makes it official.

KRIS FOSSETT'S VOWS TO BE A BETTER PERSON
I Will...
Fence every Thursday night. And I mean every Thursday night. The only concert that I will skip fencing for is Iron Maiden or Bruce Dickinson (if he ever picks his solo career back up). (But Regina Spektor was really amazing.) (And Kelly Clarkson would have been fresh.) (Crap, what if MC Lars comes on a Thursday night?) (Or Avril Lavigne?) (1990s, DIO?!!)
Okay, I will fence every Thursday night, and if someone I love comes to town, then I will use my best judgement and see which one is more important.
Read all the documents and chapters that I have to. Before the SEPTA ride to school.
Write all my stories, articles, papers, etc. LONG before deadline.
Turn all articles the midnight before the day of deadline. Not of. Or after.
Study the night of the test. Not on the way to school.
Stop doodling and writing stories during History. I'm not in high school anymore.
Eat more fruits and vegtables. Remember those things. Fossett?
Not excessively drink.
Well, I will use my best judgement to discern when it is an okay time to excessively drink.


And I vow to make this last!

Stories and Our Lives

Ever since I've started this class, Magazine Fiction Writing, I have been wondering what makes stories.

I mean, sure. Anyone can recite the events of their day, their vacation, etc. It doesn't matter if it's so exciting you want to jump through the walls or if it's so boring you also would want to jump through wall, because that would certainly make things not boring, right?

Technically, we've been talking about causality, epiphanies, character change, symbols, motifs. Stylistically, we've touched on three sets, changing the pace of the sentences, etc.

But really, I think that's all horseshit.

I don't think it matters how the story is presented. I think it's what the story makes you do afterwards that mean something. Stories are an emotional experience. They allow you to share your experiences and thoughts with someone else. If your story can make that person burst into tears or jump for joy or throw your story in the fire out of sheer anger, then you've got something.

Which brings me to my point. I would like to know what story stirred an emotional reaction in you. What story moved you?

My Picks:
It: Stephen King
The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: Stephen King
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: J.K. Rowling
The Giving Tree: Shel Silverstein
Walk Two Moons: Sharon Creech
The Catcher in the Rye: J.D. Salinger
Spirited Away
Futurama, Season 3, Episode 11

So, sigh. Registering for classes at Temple.

Actually, it's not that bad this time around. Man, the advantages of completing over 90 credits. And Temple's Portal has only crashed once, so not bad at all.

So, approximately 15 minutes has passed. Ladies and gentlemen, I am done registering for classes.

Something has to be wrong. It can't be this easy, right?

Not that I'm complaining.

Tootles.

Oh no, Readers of my Blog!

I haven't posted in awhile, so I couldn't remember how to get back to my home page. In an effort to find my way back there, I think I just flagged my own blog.

So, if there's a warning when you try to access this, well, now you know why.

If anyone knows how to unflag a blog and would like to do so for Fossett Logic, then by all means, please do so. Unless you find my material or my occasional cursing fucking offensive and believe it needs to be flagged.

Spammers, Argh!

Okay, don't be alarmed. This isn't going to be an all-out rant against spammers. Well, it is a slight rant, but I have reasons.

Since being employed (or well, interned, I suppose is a better word) at Decibel Magazine since May, I know all about clogging up people's inboxes with messages. In fact, I sympathize with spammers, up to a point.

Observe, this is a breakdown of Typical Kris Fossett DB Message:
SUBJECT: "[fill in band] profile in Decibel Magazine!"
[Notes on the Subject: The receiver of this message knows what's going on without reading the message.]
GREETING: Often "Hey [fill in name]!
[Notes on the Greeting: I have discovered that though I may be a HUGE E.B. White fan, potential readers of Decibel on mySpace are not. "Salutations" does not merit any responses. Also, if the person is foreign, I write the greeting in their language. See, spammers. There's a name and an effort to try to communicate with non-English speaking people.]
BODY: "How are you? I noticed you're a fan of [fill in band]. I just wanted to let you know that they're featured in [fill in Decibel issue]. Here's a link to the article: [fill in link].
[Notes on the Body: I state the purpose of this message. And I'm not giving anyone viruses nor am I asking for your social security number so I can rob your ass blind later. Though I may get 2 responses out of 50 messages sent, at least is some room for conversation.]
CLOSER: "Thanks! Kris Fossett Decibel Magazine"
[Notes on The Closer: If you're really pissed off that I'm telling you Iron Maiden was on the cover of Decibel's Jan. 2007 issue, then here's my name, here's where I work. You can yell at me if you want to.]

Personally, I think that's inbox clogging done right.

Which is why I get so offended when I see stuff like this:

SUBJECT: hi
BODY: "http://www.erxpharm.com rdr nyf grv
zwq jrq aaw."

What the hell is that? The things at the bottom are even attempting to be words!

If you wanted me to check out your stupid website, personalize it a little.

And yes, I send mySpace messages for my internship. That's right. Decibel Magazine would crumble without me.

What Is Wrong With Some Teachers?

There is one person on my People I Sincerely Hope Are No Longer Among the Living (Or Missing All of His Comfy T-Shirts and Is Always Buring His Toast to a Blackened Mess Because Wishing Death Upon People Isn't Nice, No Matter How Much He Deserves It) List.

And that person is a teacher. My sophomore high school English teacher, to be exact. I won't go into details here, but to give you some perspective on why I wish an ill fate upon him: He woud drop pencils in front of blonde, big breasted high school sophomores and demand they pick them up. Because I am neither blonde nor big breasted, he made shit up about disciplinary "problems" I had, constantly getting me in trouble for things I did not do. It was always his words against mine, so I was up shit's creek.

Which brings me to my point: Perverts, miserable people, just plain assholes, these people that fall under this category don't see themselves as such. Why a lot of them are educators is beyond me.

Today, Drexel Hill Middle School Students swam at the pool. And this teacher marches up to my co-worker and barks, "Who are you?!"
Flabbergasted, my co-worker stammers her name.
"Didn't I have you as a student?!!!"
She nods quickly, backing up slowly.

Is that a normal, decent way to approach someone? It doesn't matter that this woman taught my co-worker in sixth grade, nor does it matter that my co-worker is in high school. She is a person, and the best way to approach a situation like the above, "How are you? How is school? You were one of my students, right? I'm sorry, but I can't remember your name." Am I right?

Do these people realize the impact they have on these children's lives? Not only was that woman rude to my co-worker, she purposely intimidated, berated, and belittled her students.

I said before, these people don't think, "I'm a rude. I'm mean, so I shouldn't traumatize a child's life."

But isn't it the job of the principal or whoever does the hiring to see these people for what they are and say, "I'm sorry, but you're not qualified for the job"? How can anyone in their right minds see some people as fit to be teachers? Especially for young children, even high school students, because often they lack the confidence and maturity to defend themselves properly.

There's more to being a teacher than educating (which I found a lot of them did that poorly, too.)

Y,Y,Y?!

I've been sitting here, steaming over the Great Mystery that is the opposite sex. What is it about the Y chromosome that makes men so freaking difficult to understand?

And after journaling, pouting, and making mixtapes, I realized something.

If dudes and ladies immediately understood one another, what would be the point? Would romance be nearly as fun if instantly you instantly understood the guy? Would telling the story of how you met be exciting if you everything was easy for you?

No. I think that one of the pleasures in life is to be frustrated by guys that you are romantically interested in. I mean, if guys called back right away and didn't leave you wondering what the hell you did wrong on the first date, if you did anything wrong, which you don't think you did, would that be fun? Would I have created that sad mixtape? Or even writing this blog?

No.

Besides, if I had the oppurtunity to be a guy for one day, I would turn it down and run the other way. Unless I could be Bruce Dickinson between 1982 and 1985. But then again, he's really, really hairy. He seems to sweat buckets, too. And he lived in a tour bus with four other guys. That bus probably smelled pretty bad. Scratch that. I wouldn't be any guy, even if he was Iron Maiden's frontman.

Readers of my blog, please help me keep away from Duellists, a UK fencing equipment company. Not that it's anything bad, I'm sure their products are great, but since it's UK, I would have to pay in pounds. And paying in pounds is no good from the USA. I have a perfectly fine pro shop at my club. Just because my hero owns Duellists does not mean I have to pay crazy prices due to exchange rates and have to wait for my stuff to be shipped here.

I must stay away.

And get back to work.

BRING BACK ANALOGUE!

Wow, it took me a really long time, but I've finally discovered what probably bajillions of rock snobs already know: analogue recording freaking rules.

I mean, records buzz in between songs. And I guess since I bought scratched records at a flea market, they're all squeaky in between songs. My needle is also messed up, so that I miss the first few measures of the opening song (which is really annoying because some openers, like AC/DC's "It's a Long Way to the Top" and The Who's "Baba O'Riley," NEED those few opening bars). It's so fantastic.

Not only to records rule, but so do cassette tapes. Years ago, I begged my parents for a CD player because I couldn't stand the constant rewinding of tapes, but now they rule. Especially making mixes on cassettes. I plan on doing that.

More things I plan on bringing back: brightly colored spandex pants. Trust me, they're going to be the new rage all over again. So is wearing an aikido dogi top with black pants. If you want people to run the opposite way, make it appear as though you're a ninja. No one messes with ninjas. I guess if I really want to push the envelope, I could wear spandex pants with an aikido doig top. Especially since I plan on not continuing with aikido after this semester. No offense eastern martial arts, but you're just not for me. You're just not DRAMATIC enough.

And in response to my last post, no, I still haven't emailed BD. One day, I will. I will.

VHS Rules! Stop with the Reissue!

Reissues achieved a status that I hope to have someday. Reissues are at the same time the greatest thing ever and the worst thing ever.

Like reissuing videos that were originally on VHS to DVD.

Pros: Remastered. Extra features. Less of a chance that the tape is going to disingrate.

Cons:
What if you recently spent $20 on a VHS tape? And you wanted the video to be on VHS tape because you thought it had a more retro quality? For example, it's a concert video from 1985. And it's so delightfully 80s. Brightly colored spandex. Loads of shiny silver chains hanging from a studded belt. High socks. Beautiful, long strawberry blonde hair on a certain singer. To put this in perspective on how cool this 1985 concert is, I was negative one when this came out! Powerslave was a new album!

But now I saw Iron Maiden is reissuing this concert on DVD.

Grr...Yes, I love the tape, but all recent concert videos always have interviews and really cool extras. Which means I have to buy Live After Death again.

And I need to get over my fear of trying to contact my hero. I've tried emailing Bruce Dickinson at the BBC six times now, only to find myself losing courage and NOT hitting "Send." After like 50 rewrites. Each. Man, if this was high school, I would be the chick that stares at him from the back of the class and giggles when he walks by. Or the chick that attempts to try out for the fencing team and melts when the he smiles and runs away all red faced from fencing tryouts. Without trying out. Or the chick who just stares at him if he asks for a pencil. Maybe I would have prank phone called him a bunch of times, too. Then I would just be known as That Awkwardly Creepy Chick to him.

But then again, if we did go to high school together, he would be forever known as That Dude Who Pissed in the Headmaster's Dinner and Got Kicked Out for Doing So. And he wouldn't be my hero because he would be That Dude. Who wants to hang and drink with That Dude?

Good thing Bruce and I didn't go to high school together.

Oh, Vampire Weekend, Why Art Thou Indie Power Pop?

So, Vampire Weekend is not, sadly, the greatest band in the world (don't worry, I haven't denounced Iron Maiden. They're the Greatest Band in the Universe, remember?).

I mean, they're good. Freaking great, actually. But not what I was expecting.

With a name like Vampire Weekend, I was expecting something like metal that awesome to dance to. Not straight up indie power pop. Do we really need more indie power pop? That's what 1990s, the New Pornagraphers, and The Apples in Stereo are for. We need more metal that's awesome to dance to, damn it! (Get on that, Maiden! Jeez!)

Like, who doesn't love vampires? Right, exactly. I'm not saying Vampire Weekend is bad, on the contrary, they're really freaking good, but my expectations for them were really, really high, like the planet Saturn high. And indie power pop just doesn't cut that.

I guess that's the last time I'm going to say a band is the greatest new band ever, just judging them by the name. Unless their name was like Bruce the Rock Star Vampire That Slays Zombies With Lazer Vision and Weilds Big-Asses Swords That Cut Across the Space-Time Continuum and Bakes a Mean Macaroni and Cheese. Now, that would be a hot name.

The Less Cool Version of England is Boring

I wonder if there's something wrong with me.

Really. I only have about two pages to read. It's after 1 a.m. and here I am blogging. Like, the time it took for me to see how everything is going, I could have read all about William Penn, and his good relations with the Native Americans, and since Penn's Woods was a peaceful spot, all the colonists came partying over this way.

Sigh. That's probably the reason. I know history is important. I know that it's important to know where we came from and all that, but really, I just want to look smart at cocktail parties if the subject of WWI or the Great Depression ever pops up. Or if my potential boyfriend's parents are all about history, I could wow them with my knowlegdge.

But do I really care about the time when the United States of America was a less cool version of England?

Nope.

Really, no, not at all. This was the time of funny hats and stockings. Maybe there are accents, but everyone is just running around, worrying about going to hell. That's not fun.

But you know what is fun (besides blogging when you're supposed to be studying? Oh History TA whom I haven't met yet: if I do poorly in class tomorrow, well, this is why)? This: A whole bunch of bands from my early teenaged years are playing shows in/or around Philly. Not only is there Type O Negative (and yes, Peter Steele is still dark, mysterious, and good looking), but there's Static X (industrial disco with tall hair!), and Down! Now, Down deserves an exclamation point because I loved Phil Anselmo when I was younger. Pantera was great, but there was something about Down that I just really loved. And now they're back, and they fucking rock.

Still waiting on news for the Spice Girls, though.

Elusive Classic Literature

I just finished reading Nick Hornby's The Polysyllabic Spree, which is a collection of articles he wrote for a literary magazine. It's about his struggle to read all the books he's actually bought.

This makes me feel a lot better about myself. I have this terrible (or maybe not so terrible, you decide) habit of buying classic literature that I will NEVER read. Let's face it, I amble into bookstores to either A: read a whole bunch of trashy metal magazines that run loads of pictures and publish dreadful articles (Metal Hammer, Revolver, Terrorizer, I'm looking at you. But that's okay, because I love you anyway), B: buy pulpy horror novels, or C: books that analyze pop culture, especially music.

So no, of course I'm never going to read Dante Alighieri's The Inferno. Or The Jungle or Crime and Punishment or Walden. I could have saved that $10 on another vampire novel or a slice of pizza and soda or even more useful, Iron Maiden crap. But no, something compels me to pick up that classic literature and have it sit on my shelf for eternity.

I thought I just had a problem. Here, it turns out, I'm okay. Nick Hornby does it too, and if they guy who wrote High Fidelity does it, then it's okay for me.

Hmm...I wonder if Bruce Dickinson buys a butt-ton of books that he has no intention of reading? Then, my habit would be really spectacular....

Books I Haven't Bought, But I Intend On Reading: Choosing Death: The Improbable History of Death Metal and Grindcore by Albert Mudrian (wink, wink Decibelians) (But seriously, I do want to read it.), David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, any Emily Dickinson poetry anthology (I hope she's as good as her last name implies).

Books I Just Read: The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby, The Missionary Position by Bruce Dickinson (the first book I ever read that made nauseated), Lucky by Anne Sebold (crazy/awesome), Traitor to the Blood by Barb and JC Hendee