THE OFFICAL NAMING OF THE KRIS FOSSETT SYNDROME

This is a slight, minor pyschological disorder where the afflicted person purchases odd things, especially rock magazines that feature mostly emo bands, with no recollection of doing so later. Sometimes the afflicted person may deal with threatening letters from a magazine's collection agency or the puzzlement of owning a magazine with Fallout Boy on the cover.

I Would Be the Worst Vampire in the History of the Universe

Think life would be easier if you joined the undead? No way.

Here's why.

1. I don't have any canines. When I was 12, my orthodonist recommended the removal of these teeth. The reasons were that my canines were babies, and I had no adult teeth underneath. So, I don't think the teeth next to the canines turn into fangs. And no fangs would suck.

2. I hate the dark. I start getting paranoid and seeing weird shit. I may be able to see at night, but I don't think that would make the dark any less creepy. I guess the good thing about being a vampire would be that I would never have to lifeguard at DSC, ever. But, then I couldn't pass out on a hammock on a deserted tropical island.

3. Stealthy is not my middle name.

4. Neither is witty. What if I have to exchange banter with a wise ass slayer? I'd be so flustered from saying, "Yeah? Your face, slayer," that I would get staked in a heartbeat.

5. When people taught children how to speak in an "indoor voice," I wasn't there. But I did seem to attend the LOUD BOOMING THEATER voice class several times.

6. The sight of blood makes me woozy.

7. I would get bored.

Yeah, the life of a vampire is not for me. Now, the life of a ninja pirate zombie hunting rock star who can fence their name in people's shirts...

ADDENDUM TO MY VOWS TO BE A BETTER PERSON
I will get some sleep before deadline because I will have the stupid thing done before the morning it's due.
Especially when things are due two, three days in a row because that just sucks.

MySpace, YourSpace, TheirSpace

My friend and I discussed the "Truth About MySpace!!!" on Friday. And I've been trying to wrap my head around the enormity of the whole thing.

MySpace was not created by some guy named Tom, but really by a bunch of advertisers hoping to get a better hold on a demographic. Just think about how much freaking information mySpace has about you. Now think of the rest of the world. That's a lot of freaking people. That's a lot of tastes, preferences, hopes, fears, pictures. Who processes all that info? And better yet, what the heck do they do with all that?

At first, I was really scared, thinking that we're turning all George Orwell.

But then, come to think of it, I blog. My articles are posted online. I have a Facebook account. I work on mySpace. There's already a lot of Kris Fossett on the Internet.

And besides, with my mySpace account, I am this much closer to having a company produce a fencing weapon that sings Iron Maiden, shoot flames, turns into a chainsaw when detecting the presence of the undead, and can transform into a shovel when the owner wants to build a giant sandcastle. And it can also shoot pizzas from the pommel. And turn into a bike when you tap the bell guard.

I've tried to invent one, but all my attempts have been foiled. HAAAA!!! So, then I asked myself, "What's the point?" BA HA HA HA HAAA!!!!

Oh god. I am staring at my computer screen. And it's 10:45 p.m. I have a little over 12 hours to get something done.

I know Douglas Adams said, "Don't panic." But I'm finding that advice harder and harder to take.

He also said, "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." But, that is not the way to go. That is not going to happen.

Oh no. Just, oh no.

BOOKS READ IN PAST MONTH THAT I CAN REMEMBER: The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger (6th time); Heavy Metal and You, Christopher Krovatin (5th time); It, Stephen King (11th time); Run to the Hills, Mick Wall (2nd time); Vampire Game Vol. 1 and 3, Judah, Demon Diary Vol. 1 and 2, Kara and Lee Hun Hee

Man, all this time spent re-reading. Sigh. At this rate, I'll never reach my goal of reading every book ever written.

Sigh. The Iron Maiden mySpace group has posted the setlist for their 2008 tour.

Jeez, people! Honestly, what is the fun of knowing the set before you walk into the show? Isn't it much better thinking, "Oh no, they didn't play 'Fear of the Dark' or 'The Number of the Beast'?" And what if they decide to blow everyone away and play "Back in the Village" for once in their lives *cough, cough* *hint, hint, Iron Maiden*? Wouldn't you much rather go completely apeshit because from the surprise?

Man, people are no fun. Iron Maiden is no fun. They shouldn't be leaking their setlist.

Oh god! Did I just call Iron Maiden no fun? Oh no! I didn't mean that! Honestly, I didn't! Oh no! I take it back! I take it back!

Great, now Bruce Dickinson is going to challenge me to a duel and I'm going to die because I can't remember anything about fencing. Awesome. I guess, if I was going to die via foil poke, Bruce Dickinson is the guy to do it.

So watching the Transfomers movie (1986 cartoon, not the new Michael Bay one). And the movie starts with Unicron destroying an entire planet.

Just try to wrap your head around that one. An entire planet. We're not talking about a city or a country or anything. We're talking everyone on the face of that planet.

That's a butt-ton of destruction, people. If someone wants to blow up your planet, you're fucked.