THE OFFICAL NAMING OF THE KRIS FOSSETT SYNDROME

This is a slight, minor pyschological disorder where the afflicted person purchases odd things, especially rock magazines that feature mostly emo bands, with no recollection of doing so later. Sometimes the afflicted person may deal with threatening letters from a magazine's collection agency or the puzzlement of owning a magazine with Fallout Boy on the cover.

I Would Be the Worst Vampire in the History of the Universe

Think life would be easier if you joined the undead? No way.

Here's why.

1. I don't have any canines. When I was 12, my orthodonist recommended the removal of these teeth. The reasons were that my canines were babies, and I had no adult teeth underneath. So, I don't think the teeth next to the canines turn into fangs. And no fangs would suck.

2. I hate the dark. I start getting paranoid and seeing weird shit. I may be able to see at night, but I don't think that would make the dark any less creepy. I guess the good thing about being a vampire would be that I would never have to lifeguard at DSC, ever. But, then I couldn't pass out on a hammock on a deserted tropical island.

3. Stealthy is not my middle name.

4. Neither is witty. What if I have to exchange banter with a wise ass slayer? I'd be so flustered from saying, "Yeah? Your face, slayer," that I would get staked in a heartbeat.

5. When people taught children how to speak in an "indoor voice," I wasn't there. But I did seem to attend the LOUD BOOMING THEATER voice class several times.

6. The sight of blood makes me woozy.

7. I would get bored.

Yeah, the life of a vampire is not for me. Now, the life of a ninja pirate zombie hunting rock star who can fence their name in people's shirts...

ADDENDUM TO MY VOWS TO BE A BETTER PERSON
I will get some sleep before deadline because I will have the stupid thing done before the morning it's due.
Especially when things are due two, three days in a row because that just sucks.

MySpace, YourSpace, TheirSpace

My friend and I discussed the "Truth About MySpace!!!" on Friday. And I've been trying to wrap my head around the enormity of the whole thing.

MySpace was not created by some guy named Tom, but really by a bunch of advertisers hoping to get a better hold on a demographic. Just think about how much freaking information mySpace has about you. Now think of the rest of the world. That's a lot of freaking people. That's a lot of tastes, preferences, hopes, fears, pictures. Who processes all that info? And better yet, what the heck do they do with all that?

At first, I was really scared, thinking that we're turning all George Orwell.

But then, come to think of it, I blog. My articles are posted online. I have a Facebook account. I work on mySpace. There's already a lot of Kris Fossett on the Internet.

And besides, with my mySpace account, I am this much closer to having a company produce a fencing weapon that sings Iron Maiden, shoot flames, turns into a chainsaw when detecting the presence of the undead, and can transform into a shovel when the owner wants to build a giant sandcastle. And it can also shoot pizzas from the pommel. And turn into a bike when you tap the bell guard.

I've tried to invent one, but all my attempts have been foiled. HAAAA!!! So, then I asked myself, "What's the point?" BA HA HA HA HAAA!!!!