Where Have All the Voice Actors Gone?

Animation has hit it big this year, as far as great fucking movies go. Coraline was beautifully crafted and creepy, Up was uplifting (and for once, no pun intended) and brought me to tears, and even though I have yet to see Ponyo, I'm sure it's astonishing; Miyazaki can do no wrong.

Which brings me to 9, the Tim Burton produced film about sack dolls in a post-apocalyptic world. Like Coraline, 9 is visually stunning, and viewers can tell that lots of time and care went into the film. However, unlike Coraline, 9 failed to immerse me into their world.

Was it the under-developed story? The manic pace? Maybe.

But what bothered me the most was the voice of 9. Elijah Wood did nothing to create a voice for 9. To be honest, I'm not sure how a sack doll would sound, but it shouldn't sound like Elijah Wood.

Ever since Shrek, many animated movies have used big-name film actors instead of unknown voice actors. Sometimes, it works (once again, see Coraline) but most of the time, it fails. We see on-screen actors all the time, and they're great on film. But they're not voice actors. Most of them probably never trained to create different voices, and we're stuck with cartoon characters with normal voices.

Maybe using big names drawns in more people. But as an audience member, I would rather hear an unknown really bringing life into a character through voice, like Nancy Cartwright and Bart Simpson or Tom Kenny and Spongebob.

And if you haven't seen 9 yet, I would stick with the trailer. The trailer is amazing.

I am...

...extraordinarily happy this trailer exists.

Pure cinematic gold. Like Dragonball: Evolution. Actually, no. This looks even more awesome.




I don't why YouTube videos are cut off at the edge, so here's the link.

Movie Review: Alien Apocalypse

The box of Alien Apocalypse promises "Starship Troopers meets Army of Darkness."

Well, there are giant bugs. And Bruce Campbell stars in it. And that's about as close as this gets to that promised movie. (Man, just close your eyes and imagine Ash chainsawing his way through giant bugs and zombies. Or even better, giant zombie bugs. Now, that would be an awesome movie).

This is not an awesome movie.

Bruce Campbell plays an astronaut doctor that's been frozen in space for the past 40 years. He and his crew return to Earth, and they discover all of humanity is enslaved by alien termites.

Yes, there is potential there for an entertaining B movie. But this movie decides to suck instead.

Alien termites suck. They force humans to work, which is moving one piece of wood from one truck to another. Humans also can't escape these work camps because of there's a fence in the way.

But Bruce Campbell's character finds a way. And he discovers that these aliens can be killed. With a drill bit. With arrows. With rocks. And he gathers up a force, and you know the rest.

This movie moves slower than a turtle stuck in molasses going uphill. It's not even an enjoyable bad movie. Yes, there are scenes when molatovs and machine guns just appear out of nowhere, but that's not until the very end, and by that point you've lost interest.

Every character is boring. I'm not at all convinced they want their freedom. I think they like being enslaved.

And also a note on the story: Humanity uses guns. Lots and lots of guns. And like, nuclear bombs. If these aliens can be killed with rocks, you would think they would have been wiped out within seconds.

1 out of 7

Movie Review: My Name is Bruce

An ancient Chinese war god and patron saint of bean curd is accidentally unleashed and decapitates the small town of Gold Lick. There's only one man who can save them and that's Bruce Campbell. The problem is, as one BC fan discovers, is that Bruce Campbell is not Ash. But the fan kidnaps Bruce Campbell anyway and hopes for the best.

There's also cameos from Ted Raimi, Tree Rape Girl, Jake from Evil Dead II, and the blacksmith from Army of Darkness (yeah, I don't exactly remember him either, luckily the actor reminds us.)

If this means anything to you, then you will enjoy this movie. Is this the greatest movie Bruce Campbell has ever made? Far from it. But it is a good way to spend a Saturday night with fellow Bruce Campbell fans and point out thrown in Bruce-isms and others things relating to BC Awesome-ness.

5 out of 7

Terminator: Salvation

Would be so much better if they had a scene like this:

JOHN CONNOR: I can't make it! I think I have a tumor on my leg!
AHR-NOLD BOT: It is not a too-moor.

[Shit blows up around them.]

JOHN CONNOR: I don't know what to do now!
AHR-NOLD BOT: Go! Get to zee choppa!
JOHN CONNOR: I can't do this! I'm freaking out!
AHR-NOLD BOT: It's cool. Chill out. Let's kick some ice.

[AHR-NOLD BOT leaves.]

JOHN CONNOR: Wait. Where are you going?
AHR-NOLD BOT: I'll be back. It's Turbo Time!

So much better!